The Purge.

I have burned you from my mind, detached you from my soul.
Left you to die, because you played an ungrateful role.
I was open and free, and you took advantage of me.
Now your true colors have shown, the colors that I don’t regret to have known.

Today is the day I move on. Move on from thoughts, dreams, and speaking of you. For some time I thought that I could let them in, but I now have realized they don’t deserve the welcome. They are all selfish in their thoughts, when I have been open and have an honest heart. They have taken advantage.

This day I will no longer leave my gates open. I will lock them until someone forces me out. I am no longer just a welcoming heart, I’m am a force to be reckoned with. They have all taught me this and for that I am grateful to them, but they did not see the diamond beneath the friendly soul. They only saw the surface, the parts that seemed like their was no depth.

They have not realized who they fucked with, for I am a great and powerful being. One that will win in the end. All they see is a being that stand jut like everyone else, but one day they will regret judging what they only see.

I have purged you from my life that I have regretfully allow you in. As you slowly slip away day by day, karma stays on my side like a lion as my pet. That is how I can live peacefully from now on knowing that I don’t have to lift a finger and that it will do all the work for me without me knowing a damn thing.

karma stays on my side like a lion as my pet.

My life will continue to move forward, and the one that seeks the diamond will be pleasantly rewarded in the end. Thank you, I am gratefully for my many life lessons and I will continue to be my best self for the world and those around me.

Stay Selfish.

 

img_0651-copyI’m done looking for a relationship. I became to soft when I made that decision and you just creeped in to easily. The reasons I thought it didn’t work came to light today. You just told me what I wanted to hear. Some bullshit I believed to easily. The moment you didn’t see me for who I was, but saw me as what you were. The lowest of the low, scum, but you never got to see who I was and it’s more than you’ll ever get to know.

Whether or not you thought you won, I know you didn’t cause karma is coming for you and that allows me to sit back and sip my tea. Patiently going about my business because karma a bitch when it comes and I ain’t doing shit to make you avoid it.

I think I’m finally coming around and realizing what I’m doing and doing wrong. Bro I’m the cream of the crop and I allowed you to enter into my kingdom and douse me with your unworthy presence. The fact that I allowed that makes me fucking sick.

You’re the one that gave me the wake up call and that’s all I thank you for.

Just watch, one day everyone will see me and all those times I was kind, giving and never hateful, always wishing the best for everyone, It will come back to each and everyone of you. No one’s gonna take advantage of me anymore. It took me this long to realize this, but now is better than never. Fuck you and your weak ass, low life self. I ain’t ever forgiving you for the shit you did. You’re the one that gave me the wake up call and that’s all I thank you for.

The games that are played are so selfish. So make sure you’re always selfish, don’t ever put anyone before you no matter what they may tell you. #stayselfish

Lessons to be learned.

mixmatchThese past two years have been a whirl wind in the dating department. Seems like when I didn’t want to be in a relationship, it was easier to keep someone around, but now that I want a relationship they are just slipping through my fingers repetitively.

I’ve concluded that the moment you want something, it’s just not that simple to have. You have to play the game to keep it. I hate the game. Why can’t two people just agree to seeing each other without the emotions involved. Let’s just flow with it. Have you ever tried to just flow? It’s probably the best feeling I’ve experienced.

When you go with the flow, there’s no doubting yourself, no questioning where it’s going, and no worry about worrying. The stress subsides and you just do what you feel as it comes. That was a feeling of bliss, a moment where I was just in the moment. Experiencing as I go, letting the universe just guide me.

When you go with the flow, there’s no doubting yourself, no questioning where it’s going, and no worry about worrying.

I would wish that feeling on everyone. If we lived in a world where we did not let our emotions control us, but experience those emotions without the worry. I think we would be happier people.

Now my mission is to be more mindful of those instances where I can just flow and not be overwhelmed by emotion. One downside in wanting to experience this with someone else is that they are drowning in their emotions and when they are lost in them you can’t truly be in flow.

My lesson is that not many people know how to flow and I end up losing. I flow to much without resistance and they question my intentions, but my intentions are only to enjoy the moment. This game of playing hard to get seems to evoke our emotions making us curious, but when it’s not there can we not still be curious? There’s still more to learn about someone, but the interest in knowing is gone once one is to “easy”.

This game of playing hard to get seems to evoke our emotions making us curious, but when it’s not there can we not still be curious?

Yet, I know this game and I’ve refused to play it realizing that I must. After too many heartbreaks, I must pump my brakes, slow my flow and be selfish. I’m not gonna get lost in the flow until I see that they are ready to flow with me. This is not easy for me because when I want something I don’t like to wait, but I will. This is a new chapter in my life. The chapter of not letting myself fall head first, but instead allowing the opposite to happen. Keeping control of the situation and being the boss bitch I know I can be. Love yourself first always and forever.

Learning to love less.

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The constant reminder of you is like a dark alley I try to avoid on my way home. I see it and my steps grow quicker as I past by, but there are days when I take the alley because it’s the faster way. The darkness reminds me of my feelings. The quite reminds me of being without you. The echo’s of our memories together ring in my ears no matter how quietly I step.

The constant reminder of you is like a dark alley I try to avoid on my way home.

You creep into my mind as though I haven’t tried to forgot you. The thought of you brings so many of the emotions I constantly try to push away. When I was with you, you weren’t with me, but somehow you made me feel whole. Like I had been missing something all this time and I had received a glimpse of it by being with you.

I miss the way you stared without emotions, but if you looked deep enough you could see the curiosity within your eyes. Like you built a barrier, allowing no one in, only those that looked pass it could see what lies beneath.

You built a barrier, allowing no one in, only those that looked pass it could see what lies beneath.

I miss wanting to run my fingers through your soft brown curls, listening to your low-scratchy voice that somehow rang beautifully in my mind hanging on to your every word, and I miss the company you gave me even if you didn’t want me to have it. These thought make me realize I long for you a little more than I really want too.

The thought of sharing a life with someone is something I’ve felt ready for, although the universe continually tells me otherwise. With the past several heart breaks, this one seems to be somewhat easier. It was definitely quicker, but the fact that we had to spend time together to me made a big difference. We were forced into an awkward situation because you asked me to visit. You want to put it on me, but all this was your doing. You told me things you thought I wanted to hear, lied to me about the future you wanted, and then told me to think about my actions. Boy, I’m not confused, I know what I want, but do you?

You told me things you thought I wanted to hear, lied to me about the future you wanted, and then told me to think about my actions.

It’s over and I thought I was over it. Today, told me otherwise, but as I write this, it like a weight has been lifted of my chest. Maybe I just needed to talk about these feelings of remorse I had to move forward. That’s all I can do at this point. I don’t think it would have worked out in the end anyways. We are to similar introverted people that learned different means of communication. I’m very deep in my conversations and he is on the surface.

Enough about this, all I want to focus on is myself at this time. My emotions are exhausted and want to stay away from being spent again. For these experiences, I’m concluding that love is one of the hardest things we got through in life and the struggle in finding and keeping someone is a learning process. I need a break. Let’s take a trip somewhere so I can get lost in that moment.

You said things you didn’t mean.

It’s less than a month away from my 29th birthday. I’m lost in so many ways. Career has gone no where, I’m single, and borderline broke. Things I’d never thought I’d be at this age. It’s like everything they teach you when you’re growing up has nothing to with growing up. What I continue to learn now is that being an adult is hard and I don’t think it get’s any easier.

As an adult, I’m constantly trying to figure out how the remain child-like and care-free.

Completely opposite of when I was younger searching for my adulthood. But, atlas, I must face myself being an adult. Realizing that the dreams I had as a kid are fucking hard work! Constantly working to figure out my path in my career, while watching everyone around me seemly having it figured out.  Now that’s stress added to my plate and another thing I must avoid in my search for a happy life.

Speaking of happy, Facebook news feed is definitely popping up some happy babies lately. Something I have no desire in pursuing right now. Although, I have been in search of “Mr. Right” and seem to be only running into “Mr. Right Now’s”.

How do people find their fucking soulmate? Or is there such a thing?

Do we just find someone that we can live with for the rest of our lives, rather than search for someone who sweeps you off your feet, wine and dines you, and then doesn’t try to sleep with you?

Let’s take my recent candidate I met on a recent trip to New York. I went with no intentions of meeting someone, but ended up meeting someone. I went with my good friend to her friend’s boyfriend’s birthday shindig. They had a dope backyard and I was definitely feeling myself in my black ripped jean’s and white cropped tee. Of course I scoped out the gentlemen to only see which one’s I had eye’s for. One hipster type wearing all black, shorts, graphic tee, and cap. Short, dark and handsome. A little scruffy but in a good way.

Second nominee was a little more clean cut. White tee, jeans, cool sneakers and the cutest curls I’ve ever seen.

Of course I wasn’t there to pick anyone up, but a girl likes to look. With no intentions of talking to them and just wanting to enjoy my night, I ended up in a conversation with Mr. Clean cut. We seemed to hit it off pretty well, I got instant vibe of attraction to him. I couldn’t really explain why because he didn’t do anything special or different than anyone else there.

He just seemed different, unlike the guys I meet back home. He invites us to a bar. I immediately decide yes, without telling him I will say yes. After he left, of course I texted him and told him we would meet up. The night went well, he took me home and I was ok with never seeing this guy again.

Of course he wouldn’t talk to me again, I thought, but I was wrong. This guy persistently tried to convince me that he was interested in me. Told me the things every women wants to here. “I’m not looking to date….I’m ready to commit to someone…I like you”. Boy did I get myself into some shit believing this bs, but I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I’m a pretty reasonable girl and I’m ready to settle down. If we are compatible I’m willing to make it work.

Long story short, after him being MIA for a week cause he was leaving his job in New York, Moving to Minnesota and into a new job he ask me to come visit. Minneapolis is a beautiful city, him not so much.

What I concluded from all this is that I was manipulated into a situation I didn’t even care for in the first place. Come to find out this guy still has feelings for his ex. He asked me to come out and treated me like I wasn’t even there. The only perk was that he was a good host and we hit the town, but he closed me out and left me for dead.

Of course, I’m not the one to hold grudges and I’m over the situation which only took a week. It’s getting easier each time. It’s just funny how he said so many things he didn’t mean, but I believed him. How can you not believe someone who says everything you want to hear?

In the end, it’s not my lost. I’m probably one of the strongest people I know cause I can put up with many things that others can’t. It’s just another lesson learned as an adult and adulthood seems to be bringing on these lessons for me hard and quick. Which has lead me to document my last year in my 20’s. I call it the year of lessons and figuring out who I really am. So if you’re digging it, let’s continue our chat tomorrow. It’s a new modern day and a new lesson to learn.