A thinking mind.

As I sit on a plane waiting to take off after a long trip in London. I think of all the good and bad times I’ve had with you. I see all the mistake I made and all the horrible things you did, but you haven’t left my thoughts yet after three months. It’s still fresh although it may be because you’re the last person I have been with. I can’t tell if these memories are that different from the ones before you. I feel that they were easier to get over but you were so different that I haven’t forgotten you. You weren’t even that great, or good looking, or even tall dark and handsome. You just seemed so unique. Something that I wasn’t looking for and didn’t know I wanted to try. But now you are gone and I try to forget you. I hate you so much. You gave me so much hope and then took it all away. How dare you do that, but how dare I fall into that trap. I should know better. Soon someone will come into my life that’s better than you ever were and I will forget you and who you were. I will move on and then you will realize what you missed out on. A powerful human being in the making.

Thank you.


To believe that this life is amazing in the moment you’re in, is a feeling that doesn’t grow automatically. It takes circumstances and events that you experience and grow from. You may not be where you want to be, but you’re just as thankful as where you are now. I’m very thankful for the life I get to live and can’t wait until I can do more!

Life is not easy.

sometime I feel so alone. I’ve always been alone, but now this aloneness haunts me. I try and get myself away from it but I just end up by myself. It hurts and makes me sad while I see others enjoying themselves together.

i feel like I can use this alone time wisely, but in this state I am in im can’t get myself to lift a finger and that hurts even more. Who am I? I don’t feel like me anymore. I feel like im some else who I don’t recognize. Will I ever find myself? How long will it take? I know when I do it will be so much better than this.

Alone no more.

It’s not easy to be on your own in this world. I sometimes feel this way. That Ive grown up in something of beauty, but no one to share that beauty with.

Im ready to be able to wake up next to you. For you to hold me all night and whisper that you’ll never let me go. For you to show me that you can’t live without me and that you enjoy all my quirks.

Im ready to figure out who I need to be and fight for it. I’m ready to discover the life that I dream about. I feel lost in between discovery and confusion. Help me find my way universe, I know it’s suppose to be great but sometimes it feels so far.

Life.

We live in a world where everyone is selfish. We all seem to be out for ourselves. Our lives are dictated by what we are influenced by, our experiences, and our choices we make. It’s crazy how we are all humans, but each and everyone of us is different in some way.

It’s really a beautiful thing. What makes it so beautiful is the fact that you can come across one person that changes your outcome or opinion. It is as though our lives are a story and the story builds through each interaction. They molds us into who we want to become and the desires we want to fulfill.

All it takes is just one human being to be the change.

Attractive.

One thing I realized lately is that I am attractive, which is great. I’m constantly getting hit on and asked out recently, but not by guys I’m interested in. The funny thing is when I am attractive to a guy that has the same feelings as me, I become unattractive to them because the moment they realize they have me in the palm of their hands it’s over.

I’ve learn you need to make them chase so the next guy I find attractive will have to work really hard before passing go. #truth

When you creep and regret.

I know myself and the reasons why I deleted a past lover. I obsess. Kind of like when you post an image on Instagram and you’re constantly checking back to see how many likes you get. I constantly monitor their every post.

It’s crazy bitch status, I know. I’m just a crazy bitch, but aren’t we all?

A good friend of mine gave me her login information for whenever I want to creep and today was one of those days. I didn’t realize how it triggers reconciling thoughts in my brain, although I know this scumbag isn’t worth my time anymore. It’s like a craving that never left and resurfaced once it remember that familiar face.

I’ve been soooo good too. I have moved on with myself and focusing on my life, but in this moment of weakness, where I wondered what he was up to created a domino of memories. These are not the memories where you wonder why you even considered him, they’re the happy memories, the ones where you can’t understand why anything when wrong.

Now, I need to figure out how to stay away from these triggers. I mean I know I’ll be ok, but I don’t enjoy the thoughts of wanting to make contact with a person who didn’t put in as much as I did. Someone who I didn’t interview or put through a prelim. I just let him waltz in like he was a knight and shining armor, but to realize that he was just a savage waiting to use and be used.

I’m pretty much moved on until this instant that I know will slowly fade. It’s only a reminder that I am worth more than I offered to him and only the deserving should be allowed to enter into my kingdom of glory.

Gather.

Sometimes it just feels good to be with people you know. That feeling of familiarity and being comfortable in your own skin is irreplaceable.

My friends in town and I’m out enjoying life. It feels good to let lose after being stuck in doors feeling alone. I’m grateful for tonight. 🙂

Depression.

To be depressed is a state in which you aren’t yourself. What drives and motivates you no longer does. All you want to do is absolutely nothing.

I’ve been told I’m depressed. I don’t believe in that. I my be in a point in my life where I’m just trying to find what is the next direction to take. I may be in a state of not being productive, but I will find ways to get out of that state.

I do not let myself stay in one constant motion. I am a human with many motions and angles. I am strong willed and will not let myself be still. To me that is not progress, to be in one state is a waste.

In life you want to keep growing and continue finding yourself. That is where I am. That is my state. Constant movement, finding the pieces, nurturing the seeds.