It’s been some time.

I overestimated my ability to journal every day and I feel off far. Its been months since I’ve been back here and as everything I start, the finish line never see my final step. I feel that this is a position I’ve been in for the past six years. That I’ve come so far, but I’ve reach no where close.

It’s like I’m living in a fantasy in my head. Like I’m not in reality and I don’t know what that is. I’m constantly chasing my tail not knowing that it is my tail, but when does this end? When do I find the salvation that I seek? It’s like everything I touches crumbles and I can’t put the pieces back together so I move on from it because it’s easier. Maybe I’m not cut out for these dreams that play in my mind. Maybe this is my life and that I’m suppose to go with the monotony of the world. That I’m suppose to fall in line with everyone else. That I don’t have what it takes to be where I want to be.

I just need help. I need to find a way. This is not the life I want to live. I need more. I want more for myself. How can it not come true for I feel it burning in my soul.

Let Life Take You.

It’s crazy how much your life can change with the power of thought. As I sit back in my room staring at every wall and details like the last painting I drew of a women who people have claimed to look like me. Sprinkled with water color stains and black and white outlines, I realize that it’s a life that I once lived and moved on from.

As my head turns to my bed, I notice the button details on this headboard I purchase while working at a furniture store, one of the many experiences that has taught me many lessons that I will get to at another time. I think of my childhood, I can’t say I grow up with nothing, but a headboard was definitely not an item in my banana colored room. Who in their right mind would paint a room yellow? I know, I’ve asked myself the same.  In this room, the wall was my headboard and I lean against it as though it was my only friend. This would cause a gap in between. The whole time I used the wall as support I’d hope that nothing fell through that little gap to the ferocious monster that laid beneath me. If so, I’d be doomed forever to his mercy and would never see the top of my bed again.

As I reminisce on all my wants and desires when I was younger, I realize that it may have very well became a reality. Maybe you don’t just have to be in Disney World for your dreams to come true, you just need to follow your gut and make them happen.

Life has taken me high and it has taken me low, but in this roller coaster of a life, there’s always a rest point where I am able to reassess, recollect, and ride on. When we take a moment and stop our powerful minds, that sometimes seem so hard to control, we can discover the mile stones, that maybe tiny, but are contributing factors to where, when, and how you want to reach whatever journey you’re trying to hitch hike on. Let go and let life take you.

Controlling Thoughts

Our minds are so powerful to a point where it wonders on it’s own. It tells you stories that you didn’t think were possible. It tells you if you’re happy and when you’re sad. It’s a machine that we need to control and if we don’t it can control us.

The times I can’t control my thoughts the most usually involve other people. How will I solve this problem? Meditation, weeding the bad people out, and just trying to remain positive in every situation.

Bothered

Why am I so bothered by you right now. The fact that you’re out and having fun without me? Maybe. Or because I haven’t heard from you in two days? Possibly.

What I want you can’t give me and I already knew that, but why do I feel it effecting me? I feel annoyed for no reason, although I looking for a reason. I went into this with no emotion, coming out with all the emotion.

I will get over this. I will understand that I’m using you just as much as you are using me. You aren’t the one that will stay in my life, but only someone who came and went to fulfil, to teach, to learn from.

Hearsay

You know, people tell you how you should live your life all the time. They interject their opinions on how this should be and what you should do whether you ask or not. But how much of that should we actually take into consideration. I think we only take what we need.

We can’t live our best lives listening to what other people say about it.

I believe in myself even when I feel uncertain, I always know the direction to take at some point. My instinct always has the answers, but when I hear people tell me how a life should be lived and what you should or shouldn’t do, I take that lighty. Especially when I feel myself telling me not to take what they say to heart.

Everyone has their own life to focus on and figure out. Whether we make mistakes or take the wrong direction life will always bring us back to what we need. I know my life path. It’s not an easy one and I’m at a road bump right now that I’m trying to climb over, but I see the other side. I see where I want my life to be, I actually feel it deep down in my soul. I know things will come to pass because I believe. I know I will execute on it one day and everything will just fall into place and I will be reassured that I was right.

Pondering

What is this feeling I have that I can’t explain. Something I feel so certain about, but can I trust it? I believe in it and the possibility of it becoming reality, although all I hear are nay sayers that telling me it’s just a dream. But I don’t live in their reality. I don’t live their lives. I live in my own world, knowing what I want in it, and the outcome of my life. I see it so clearly that I don’t think others can understand where I’m coming from.

I’m constantly brought down by certain people around me. They rely on my abilities to be reliable, but they don’t understand that I can’t be relied on forever. That I must find my way in my world and focus on my path and my goals.

One day all the I see will come to surface and then I will find new endeavors to discover, new dreams to ponder, and continue my life how I see it. Keep moving forward.

The Resistance

When someone great walks into your life it’s hard to not let your mind race. All the possibilities of what ifs get calculated out. Then it consumes you. You wander why they haven’t texted you yet and why they did something a certain way. You over analyze every situation y’all come across.

The hardest part is to resist. Resist the temptation or the wanting to move forward quicker, faster. This has never worked for me and I’m sure it doesn’t work for many others. When I become impatient, I then get left in the dark.

This time I will not let it consume me. I will flow with the beat of the drum. Low expectations and commitments. I’m ready to take a different approach. An approach that I think will take me farther then before. Patience my friends patience.

Attracting good people

its amazing when you change the way you see life and what you want to get out of it that people who want the same things for themselves are being attracted to you. I was out on a random night just enjoying myself and the people around me when I noticed a guy from the corner of my eye. I told myself I needed to muster up the courage to go speak to him.

it took some time and a few drinks to get over my nerves but I did it. Now that is been two weeks of knowing him he’s amazing. We have the same type of mindset and agree on a lot of things.

I feel that when you change the way you look at life and understand what you want from it. The universe will bring you just what you want through your experiences, what you do, and the people you meet.

just figure out the simple parts of what you want out of life and everything will work in your favor, with time. #grateful

Staying positive.

It’s one thing to force yourself to be happy all the time, it’s another to take each moment or emotion and see the good in it. Staying positive is a practice. If you aren’t already positive, you sure as hell won’t all the sudden become a positive person. It takes time and patience. You have to really want life as so.

The moment when everything becomes so much easier and you can take every moment as the glass half full, then you can appreciate your accomplishment and be grateful you took the time to learn a new skill.

Your positivity won’t just stick with you forever. You definitely have to nurture it, keep teaching yourself and learning new ways of being positive. It’s a lifetime choice, if that is the life you want to live, but I must tell you life is so much sweeter when you’re positive. 🙂

Fear

I stand head on whennit comes to fear. I see fear as a challenge or obstacle that I need to get over. When I turn away because of fear, I have failed myself. It’s the times that I disappoint myself the most.

I choose to learn from these times that fear has beat me. I grow into a better human being. I’m constant figuring out how do I leave fear behind and take on the world. I want to be better and better each time. I want to be able to do things that others don’t. I want to be superhuman in my abilities to connect with people and go through experiences that most don’t.

My goal, to eliminate my fears.