Depression.

To be depressed is a state in which you aren’t yourself. What drives and motivates you no longer does. All you want to do is absolutely nothing.

I’ve been told I’m depressed. I don’t believe in that. I my be in a point in my life where I’m just trying to find what is the next direction to take. I may be in a state of not being productive, but I will find ways to get out of that state.

I do not let myself stay in one constant motion. I am a human with many motions and angles. I am strong willed and will not let myself be still. To me that is not progress, to be in one state is a waste.

In life you want to keep growing and continue finding yourself. That is where I am. That is my state. Constant movement, finding the pieces, nurturing the seeds.

The Calm.

I’ve felt so calm lately. As though I’m just going with the flow of the universe. Not forcing anything, simply living in the moment of now. I am proud of myself for finding the strength to get to this state of mind. Regardless of things that may not be going my way.

I’ve been stressing myself out for to long. I now will simply just figure everything out as it comes. I will only focus on what I can now to get me to where I want to go in the future. I believe in my soul that everything will happen the way it needs to and in the end it will leave me with happiness and everything I’ve every dreamed and wanted.

I have the patience to wait. #Grateful

Lost.

Feeling as though I haven’t moved very far from who I was a few years ago, although I know I have. I’m growing as a person, figuring out who I need to be.

I know there’s a lot in store for me in the future, it’s just hard to feel accomplished when I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna pay this next bill. I know it will all work out in the end. Life is get better the more I push for more.

Broke is only temporary. Abundance is forever.

Alone.

There are times when I feel that I am lonely, but I know that I’m never alone. The difference between the two is not big, but in fact, minor. The fact that I feel lonely is when I want to go out on the town and just call someone to talk and I realize I have no one to contact.

I know that I’m not alone because I have my family and few good friends close to my heart. Although they are not all available, they will always be around.

I get lonely in moments when I need human connection and laughter because it’s been to long since I’ve endured it. I’m constantly in my own world on my own and it gets lonely. That is when I crave the things I shouldn’t. It’s when I make decisions I may regret.

On the bright side of things, I know I will never be alone. I am very loved by those I do love, and one day I will be loved by a man I love as well. Who is the one I spend the rest of my life with. Perfect ending.

Regrets.

When you feel that you make a mistake, you instantly want to take it back however you can. You see the flaws in your actions that cause you to regret that moment in time, but why can’t we automatically believe that these actions were only learning lessons.

Maybe we were so hard headed to understand what we were doing wrong and the only way to see these wrongs is through feeling and seeing it. If what we want doesn’t happen we shouldn’t let regret haunt us. We should only see it as a reason for it not to happen.

What can we do to better next time? What will it take for us to get what we want? How can we grow from this? Great questions to ask ourselves when we feel that the negative feelings are taking over our mind. We need to control them and turn them into positive outlooks on our lives.

Life is such a beautiful thing. We are constantly going through challenges and facing obstacles that allow us to become better selves. We don’t have to think of things that we may not want to happen as bad, but think of how you have changed for the better. How will you better yourself the next time you come across a situation? If it hasn’t changed maybe you are stubborn and face the challenge a few more times before you finally see your flaws.

We are all going through shit, but it’s how we deal with that shit that allows us to grow into amazing human beings. I love my life, myself, and I know I will get everything I need when the time comes. I’m already grateful.

Belief.

I endure a lot of obstacles in my life. Whether it’s heart break, on my last penny, or self-doubt, I always come back to believing in myself and who I know I will be.

It’s as though you are in hell, but you see the light is near. You don’t want to stay where you’re at and so you begin to search for the light and where it’s coming from. You feel it in your soul and you constantly pivot to find your way to it.

It’s a beautiful thing because I sit back and see that all the treacherous waters I go through and the mountains I climb, it is all for the purpose of finding that light. I believe I will one day and everything will make sense. I will find that it was only to create my story that I will one day share with the world. I’m so grateful for this journey of finding me.

Finding the blame.

Today the cards showed me that I’m trying to put blame on other people for the actions I took part in. I was looking for a relationship, but didn’t want to put in the work to get one. I wanted it to be easy and force the puzzle pieces together without finding the right fit.

For once I will admit that I became easy which is not easy to say. I let people in without any application or trial period. I didn’t give them challenges and allow them to pass anything. All I wanted for myself was instant gratification. I wanted them to be in my company not thinking that they would run from fear of who they thought I would be.

I did not let them get to understand the workings of me, the women I am becoming, nor did I feel the need to explain it. I simply allowed myself to not have any standards or morals. I dropped all the guards that I had built up throughout the years and I became like the rest of them.

I dropped all the guards that I had built up throughout the years and I became like the rest of them.

It hurts to realized that I allowed myself to become this. That I no longer value the truth in the growth of patience. I did not want to listen to the advice that rang true or the shadows that haunted my past. I just wanted to be selfish and in the selfishness I could only find loneliness.

Hopefully I’ve finally realize the hallows of where I am lying and that I can pull myself from the ashes that I laid. I hope that I no longer allow myself to believe that good things aren’t hard work and that I grow the value I see in myself.

From now on, I am the most valuable person I know and that not just anyone can obtain me. They must first work to gain my attention, but I must not give into the temptations of their words. I will allow myself to review them carefully and with time. I will grade their every step towards me and not allow my desire to surpass my willpower.

I want someone who is here to stay and for that I must keep to myself. Giving only mysterious hints as to who I may be. I will no longer believe that he is worthy because I hear and feel all the right things. There must be more to what is there. Time, patience, and persistence.

Will to succeed.

Being aware that you are in a depressed state will more than likely mean you won’t stay depressed for long, but the hardest part is to get out of that state of mind.

This is a battle I’m always in and out of. I constantly find myself in positive lights and in negative. When I’m in negative states it’s like the world is against me. Like I’m drowning in water gasping for air, but no one to save me so I have to find a way to save myself.

I look for positive emotions. Maybe talking things out with my sister. Sometimes that helps, other times I feel like she is only being a psychologist and interrogating my feelings instead of feeling them with me.

Sometimes I watch motivational videos, trying to find that motivation within my soul. I force myself into a positive state because a negative one isn’t the life I want to live.

In the end I always find my way out. I know that there are greater things ahead I just need to keep moving forward.

 

Close friends.

I think in life you need at least one or two soul friends and I’m happy to say that I have that. These are two people that help me through anything. When I’m down, they know how to bring me back up. I love these people with my whole heart.

I know that I may not be where I want to be, but these friends believe in me as much as I believe in myself. I’m utterly grateful for the friendship they bring me.

The struggle.

My struggle to get myself to cold call is an ongoing process. I’ve done it many times before, but it has been a while since I’ve actually picked up the phone to do it.

This fear I have is so small, but it’s such a challenge to get myself to just do it. I have been trying to do this for months now and I’m continually rejecting the challenge that can very well benefit me in the end.

I hope that tomorrow I can just get over myself, pick up the phone and start dialing.